


Shifting Sand

by farfetched



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aromantic, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Awkward Kissing, Demiromanticism, Developing Relationship, First Kiss, M/M, Queerplatonic Relationships, Relationship Discussions, discussions about romantic orientation, discussions about sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-16 06:59:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11823570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farfetched/pseuds/farfetched
Summary: It's disgusting in a way that's almost nice. Like he can tell he's supposed to like it, that someone else might, but he just... doesn't. It's just... too.Too everything.He doesn't like it at all.(Kenma discovers he doesn't like kissing, but that it doesn't necessarily rule out a forever with Kuroo)





	Shifting Sand

It's disgusting in a way that's almost nice. Like he can tell he's supposed to like it, that someone else might, but he just... doesn't. It's just... too. 

Too everything. 

He doesn't like it at all. 

But he keeps going, maybe in a misguided hope that he might grow to like it. That he might even see why everyone else likes it. That he might just suddenly get it, understand why he sees people do it all the time and why all the characters do it in games and why they keep doing it. 

But he doesn't. 

It's almost nice. Nearly. But in being so close, he can't bear it. Kuroo's lips on his, stealing his breath in a purely physical way. The feel of a tongue over his lips and the way he kind of knows he should open his mouth but instead shuts it tighter. The feel of the bed he's sat on, Kuroo's, simple decorations. The way he's twisted at an angle. The way Kuroo's shoulder is pressed uncomfortably tight against his, and Kenma has to stop himself leaning backwards. 

He asked for this. 

He was curious. So many people saw them and assumed, and he just went with it, maybe they were together in that way, it didn't upset him but this- this did. 

But he'd asked for this. He couldn't just back out now he had cold feet, he owed this to Kuroo, for being his friend and dealing with him. 

But it doesn't sit right. He doesn't understand. 

Why isn't he like everyone else? 

It must be him. If everyone else does it, likes it - they must do if they keep doing it, because most people don't do things that make them feel withered and like running away at top speed - it's him. What is his problem? What is wrong with this? Why is it so close to being okay and yet so far away from it? 

Is he not trying hard enough? Scrunching up his eyes, he presses forward, trying desperately to search for it, the key to the enjoyment of this. So he can be at least slightly normal. 

If there was anyone he was going to enjoy this with, it was Kuroo. Kuroo, and Hinata were the only ones he was genuinely comfortable around. They included him but not in a way that forced him to interact. They dealt with him but didn't make him feel stupid. It was nice being the tag along, the focus never on him, able to escape whenever he wants, but able to join whenever he wants to as well. And that's okay. They seem okay with that. 

He doesn't get it. 

The pressure leaves, and Kuroo must see his face, scrunched up in concentration, and Kenma can feel his laughing breath on his face and all he wants is to hide. 

"That bad, huh?" Kuroo jokes, shifting further away, like he knows Kenma needs the space right now. Kenma shuffles backwards until he's right in the corner of the bed, arms wrapped around his knees. He can't even refute it. 

"... Sorry." He mumbles, unable to bear to look at Kuroo. Theories tumble in his mind incessantly, trying to work it out. Maybe if he did it more, he'd grow to like it. 

But he never wants to try it again. 

"Don't say that." Kuroo says, an undercurrent of hurt in his voice. Kenma gets as close to looking at him as he can; Kuroo takes a hand through his hair. "You know- you know it's alright to not like stuff like that, right?" When Kenma keeps his gaze firmly on the wall, he sighs heavily. "Kenma." He says, simply. 

"But I asked for it." Kenma whispers, almost to himself. He can't work out why. He wants to forget. 

"Don't." Kuroo warns him sharply, then exhales deeply, stretching his long body out, his head hanging over the side of the bed, looking at the ceiling. Kenma can no longer see his expression. "I could tell you weren't into it. You're allowed to change your mind." 

Kenma just stays silent, curls up into an even smaller ball, frowning. Why? Why was it so bad? And why was Kuroo acting so chilled out about it? He doesn't get it. 

It had felt like hours, but nothing has moved. Yet, everything has, and why can't Kuroo see that? 

"I'll bite. Kenma, why did you even ask?" Kuroo questions eventually, and Kenma tries to parse the reason. 

Because people always think he and Kuroo are going out. They see that Kenma is uncomfortable with almost everyone, his only obvious exception being Kuroo, and think they are together. 

But that thought doesn't upset him. Maybe because he thinks of marriage, thinks of things like his grandparents, together for years and years, and knows he could easily do that with Kuroo. More than that, he wants to. He doesn't even want to live without Kuroo, that force pushing him along, knowing when to apply more pressure and where to give in. When people talk about futures he thinks he imagined that: him and Kuroo in a house of their own, several cats milling around, and a comfortable silence between the two of them. 

But people who are together forever kiss, don't they? 

He had all the other signs of liking Kuroo; he seeks him out wherever and whenever he can, and sticks close by most often. He likes hugging Kuroo, a security he rarely finds elsewhere. When they were young enough, they'd curl up together and sleep and he likes the idea of doing that more often. He just wants Kuroo in his life, likes the kernel of warmth that grows when he gets a smile off him, likes the peaceful attitude he gains around Kuroo, not so nervous anymore. 

But people who like other people kiss. Don't they? 

"I..." He starts, more a croak than anything. He can tell Kuroo is listening intently, even if he can't see, even if he makes no noise. "You kiss people you like." 

That makes Kuroo sit up, propping himself up on his elbows to stare at Kenma. It's not surprise, but for once Kenma can't read him; it's almost calculating, like he looks in a match, cogs in his mind whirring and clicking into place as to what best to do. 

"Some people do, yeah." Kuroo ventures. "Depends what you mean by like, often. Friends don't kiss all that much. I mean, I made out with Bokuto once. That was weird." 

Kenma simultaneously wants to know, and wants to know nothing and forget he even heard that. 

"What kind of like?" He asks, trying to work it out. If what he feels for Kuroo isn't like, then what is it? What makes it so different that he didn't even like kissing Kuroo? 

The only other person he feels that comfortable with is Hinata. The thought of asking him is excruciatingly embarrassing. Even more so than asking Kuroo. 

Kuroo huffs, leans his head back to stare at the ceiling again, considers his words. 

"I worded that wrong. Okay, I think I'd pretty much worked it out, but you've never thought about having sex with anyone, have you?" Kuroo questions. Kenma blinks. 

"Why would I?" He asks, and Kuroo just laughs. 

"And that confirms it. Okay. Have you ever thought about identity? Like, your identity?" 

He doesn't really get it. He's never once wanted to look this up, and wouldn't know how to start. It's not so interesting to be worth his time, so he'd always played a game instead. 

"Guess not. Well, you know, some people like girls, and some like boys..." He starts in a reading voice. Kenma unfurls enough to jab him in the thigh with his toe. 

"I _know_ that." He says indignantly. Kuroo sobers up almost immediately. 

"And there's everything in between. A spectrum, right? Uh, how to explain..." Kuroo thinks on it for a moment, then seems to come up with something, fully sitting up. "So, in your mind: here," he points to a spot in the air. "Is people who like the opposite gender. And here," he points to another spot a foot or so up. Kenma watches, fascinated and confused. "Are people who like the opposite gender. And you have everything in between, yeah?" Kuroo's hand travels along the imaginary line, and Kenma nods. That's how it works, right? 

"You may be thinking 'where is he going with this? That much is obvious my dear Kuroo!'" He says, and Kenma glances up at him. The puzzled expression must be enough of an answer. "Have you ever thought that it might not be a line, but a graph?" 

Kenma blinks.   
"A graph? What's the axes?" He asks. 

"So on the y axis, we have amount attracted proportionally to the same versus the opposite gender." He motions at a vertical axis, and Kenma nods. "But on the x axis, we have the amount of attraction in total." 

He pauses for a long moment, waiting for Kenma to process it. 

"So... People can be anywhere?" He thinks he's getting it. Kuroo smiles. 

"Yeah. Someone, me for example, might like both genders, but swayed slightly more towards men, so I'm about here on this axis," he says, gesturing at a point about two thirds of the way up the vertical axis. Kenma nods. "But I do actually want to have sex with them sometimes as well, so I'm not at zero." He moves his finger a few inches away from the axis. Kenma's eyes widen. 

"I'm at zero." He whispers. 

"Pretty much." Kuroo remarks, dropping his hands. "But you've got the same thing again, but with romantic feelings, okay? The amount people feel it is different." 

Kenma furrows his brow.   
"Like... Feel what exactly." He is hesitant, because it's so confusing. The sex thing makes sense. He's never once been bothered about it, or even curious. Good thing, because he would not even ask Kuroo about that. This explanation is bad enough. 

"Eh, varies. Some people like buying things, or whatever, but it's generally, uh... Someone who is closer than a friend? You _tend_ to want to kiss people you like romantically." 

"You're closer than a friend." Kenma says. Kuroo snorts. 

"Thanks. But I did say 'tend to', didn't I? Tell me if I didn't, because I meant to." He gets a scowl in response and moves on. "Basically, not everyone feels or reacts to it the same way. Some people like kissing and shit, some don't, and if you don't like it, that doesn't automatically make you weird." 

But Kuroo is closer than a friend. Kenma can say with a level of certainty that he's not at zero on the second graph, but if kissing is involved, then where does he go? Is he an anomaly? 

"You can feel romantically attracted to someone and still not like kissing. I get it, you know, it is kinda a weird thing to do." Kuroo shrugs. "Does that help at all?" 

Kenma thinks over it for a long moment. It does. There's something comforting about being on a graph, within a defined area. It makes him not so weird. Hell knows he doesn't need any help with that. 

Eventually, he nods. Kuroo grins lopsidedly.   
"It's a bit more complicated than that, but yeah. It's a start." 

His eyes widen.   
"More complicated?" He echoes. How? How does it not map all humans? Kuroo snorts, trying to stifle his laughter, and then, unable to, collapses back into the bed laughing. 

"Your face! Of course it does, do you think everyone could be put on two graphs so easily?" Kuroo says, in between spurts of laughter. Kenma frowns indignantly, and knows he's pouting just a bit but can't being himself to stop. 

"Sounds pretty wide ranging to me." He mutters. Kuroo lunges forward to ruffle his hair, grinning widely. 

"Of course it does. Don't worry, lesson two in human relationships comes at another point." Kenma squawks in response, and swats his hand away. Kuroo leans back, resting on his hands, and tilts his head slightly, considering Kenma. His grin fades to a smile, at once comforting and making him uneasy. "I'm more interested in discussing this raging crush you have on me, apparently." 

Kenma opens his mouth to refute that, or request to run away- but finds that he doesn't necessarily want to. He wishes Kuroo could just get exactly what he means, but equally - and surprisingly - enough, he's invested enough in Kuroo to actually want to face the awkwardness. He doesn't want to speak, but he wants things clear, and he does not think he could bear to lose Kuroo permanently. 

"Okay." He says. It is Kuroo's turn to look shocked.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this on my lunch break, inspired by a disappointing orange? Dunno, in any case, I headcanon Kenma as asexual definitely, and demiromantic. He seems like the kind of person who would like the stability of a relationship, but not most of the typical things involved with a relationship. 
> 
> I guess in a way this is a bit of wishful thinking projected onto characters, but hey! Hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
